The following true and un-exaggerated story will forever go down in Dyer family lore (assuming there is a Dyer family lore).

A couple days ago our family (m inus Josh who was on a youth group outing) went to Target to do a little shopping.

I can’t remember the exact circumstance, but for whatever reason I went in before everyone else. As I was walking in I noticed a pacifier laying on the floor in the entry way. At first I started to walk by it but then I remembered that it wasn’t too long ago that I had babies and if I would have taken one of my boys into a store without a pacifier things would not have worked out so well.

While I was reminiscing, I noticed in the dollar section a woman was pushing a cart—and she had a baby in the cart. So I did what I thought was the nice thing to do, I went back, picked up the pacifier (by the handle of course) and approached the woman.

“Excuse me,” I said.

As soon as I said “excuse me” I noticed the baby in the cart had a pacifier in her mouth. I thought ok, maybe there was a spare (you should always have a spare pacifier in case, well, you drop one in the entry way of Target).

“I found this right outside the door. Is this yours?” I said in my deep, heroic voice.

She looked through her stuff. Then she replied, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Oh, ok.” I said in my dejected, girl-I-asked-to-the-prom-said-no sheepish voice.

I stood there for a second looking at the pacifier. Then I started pacing, right there inside the entrance of Target, trying to figure out what I was going to do with the pacifier.

“I could just put it back on the floor where I found it,” I thought, “then someone else could deal with it.”

I continued my thought process, “Or I could turn it in at the customer service desk.” But then I reasoned (I really hope I was thinking this stuff and not actually muttering it to myself as I paced), “What are they going to do with it! Someone isn’t going to come up to the service desk and ask if they had a pacifier turned in to the lost and founf. I mean what kind of person would even think of turning a pacifier in at the service desk. Oh wait. Nevermind.”

I looked at the pacifier and looked up one last time. Not having to come up with a brilliant idea, I decided to stick it my pocket and if I saw someone with a baby I’d see if it was theirs.

Now this was on a Saturday night around eight or so. Target, at least in Springfield, isn’t usually too busy on Saturday nights.

Anyway, I went on with my business and headed back to the video games. Right when I got back there I saw a guy, about my age, walking around the toy and electronics departments talking on his phone chasing a toddler around.

“This guy obviously has no clue what’s going on, talking on his phone while his toddler runs through the store. This pacifier has to be his.” I reasoned.

But since he was on the phone I didn’t want to interrupt him. So I did what any lunatic would do.

I stalked him.

Every time I heard him get close to hanging up, I thought, “Finally!” but he was one of those people who it takes four or fives times leading up to hanging up to actually end the conversation. So every time the conversation was re-instigated I rolled my eyes and continued following around.

Finally he got off the phone. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked up to him and said, “Hey, this wouldn’t be your pacifier would it?” Trying to act as cool as possible.

At first he kind of looked at his daughter, felt around in his pocket and said, “I don’t think I’m missing one, what’s it look like?” I pulled it out to show him. “Nope, not mine he said.”

“Seriously!” I thought.

That night I swear every single person in the store other than us had a baby.

I ended up asking five or six people and not a single one of them claimed the pacifier.

We paid for our stuff and starting walking out the door.

I reached into my pocked, grabbed the pacifier and threw it away, and I still feel guilty about it.

So to you, person in Springfield who has had a screaming kid for the past two days, from the bottom of my heart, I am truly sorry!